


Space Between Stars

by kayethespade



Series: Kiari Ryder [6]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Panic Attacks, its a lot less dark than the tags make it seem, nb ryder is custom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:36:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayethespade/pseuds/kayethespade
Summary: Kiari realizes she hasn't come out to her crew, so she comes out to her almost-but-not-quite boyfriends first.





	Space Between Stars

Kiari couldn't move from where she laid on her bed. It was as though she was in that damn stasis field again with no way out. Her muscles simply wouldn't respond to her commands. They just spasmed over and over again. She felt like she should have been more concerned over this fact.

"SAM? Can you stop this abnormal reaction?" she requested through gritted teeth.

"I will try, Pathfinder," he replied.

She took a deep breath and focused on unclenching her fist. Bit by bit, her right hand opened. After about twenty minutes, Kiari regained full control. She popped up off the bed and began to pace.

"What the hell was that, SAM?" she growled.

"From my readings, it appears as though you experienced a panic attack," he reported.

"Give me a second. I may be able to remember what triggered it," Kiari said. She mussed up her hair to rid herself of nervous energy.

"Be careful, Pathfinder. I will alert Doctor Lexi in the case that it is triggered again," SAM informed.

She thought back to the moments before her muscles started freaking out. She'd been thinking about dad. How he never saw her for who she really was. Neither had Scott. Neither did her crew. Neither did anyone who ever saw her. She'd never talked about it. If she died, she would die a woman, and no one would be the wiser.

"Okay. Wow, okay I found it," Kiari whimpered. She wiped desperately at her eyes to keep from crying.

"Pathfinder, your heartrate has spiked. It is not dangerous, but it is notable. What seems to be troubling you?" SAM asked.

"I'm nonbinary, SAM. I am not male or female."

"You are like me, then?" he suggested. "I am not male or female either. Any gendered notions have been placed upon me by individuals, such as your father, with a binary-gendered mindset. In reality, I am not anything."

"That's comforting, I guess. Except I do have a distinct gender. It just doesn't fit the boxes," she reasoned.

"I see. Do you feel as though others perceive you as female too often for comfort?" SAM asked.

"Yes, actually. That's my main problem," Kiari muttered. She tugged at her bangs in frustration.

"You want to be seen for who you really are. It would be like calling an apple an orange when it is clearly an apple." She briefly smiled.

"I don't know how to tell anyone, SAM, and I do want to tell them. The only person I ever came out to was mom, and that was by accident," she grumbled.

"Did she still care for you after this discovery?" SAM asked. Kiari nodded. "Then I see no reason why your crew wouldn't be comfortable with this revelation."

"Could you call Jaal and Liam up here?" she requested.

"Of course, Pathfinder."

A few minutes later, the pair were at her door. They were all still in that in-between stage between friendship and dating. Kiari didn't know how to deal with it and didn't want to at the moment. She just needed some people she could trust. This was her main squad. They'd been through so much shit together.

She let them in and quickly shut the door behind them. Kiari realized how frantic she looked from having just gotten out of a panic attack. Her cheeks were red and blotchy from her short crying bout.

"I need to tell the crew something, but I figured that it would be a bit more comfortable to tell you guys first for....obvious reasons," Kiari explained. "I'm nonbinary."

Jaal looked perplexed. For a hot minute, a cold rock settled in her gut. "The translator spit out a list of different neutral-gendered words. I think you'll have to be more specific."

"Angara have multiple neutral genders?" she asked with a bit of excitement.

"Yes. They were highly revered religious figures before the kett, akin to immortals for ceremonial purposes. Doesn't every society?"

"It's a lot less common for humans. But yeah, I figured with the hair and all that you weren't exactly...you know," Liam admitted. She chuckled into her hand.

"I'm sorry. The hair is what made you question? That's just rich." Liam shrugged. Kiari rolled her eyes at him.

"Gil and Suvi were placing bets."

"I would expect nothing less for such an important subject. For clarity's sake, the closest I can describe myself to is being somewhere in the middle. I'm not close to either designation. I'm something else entirely," Kiari explained.

"Ahh. Something like Ma'shen, then. Meaning loosely "the void between stars"," Jaal answered. She couldn't help but smile. The word felt like it belonged to her.

"Knowing you, you probably found this out earlier," Liam said.

"Yes, I did." Kiari looked down at her hands nervously.

"Why let people refer to you in a way that isn't true to you?" he asked. "That isn't like you, and people don't mind switching pronouns or names nowadays."

"I wanted to prove to Dad that I was worthy of his attention, so I hid it. I hid...a lot of things. Mom was the only one that knew, and I only told her because I slipped. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone else by, you know, asking them to refer to me by they and them," Kiari explained. She swept some hair back behind her ear.

"You didn't want to assert yourself and felt like you were being polite," Liam summised. She smiled bitterly.

"I know it sounds silly coming from seemingly the most confident person in the world. I only bring it up now because I'm terrified of dying and nobody ever knowing who I am. Y'know cause that existential dread totally makes it easy to sleep at night and-"

Liam brought her into his arms with a tight grip. She smooshed her cheek against his shoulder with a content sigh. Kiari felt Jaal's hand, comforting against her back.

"You won't die out there. Not while we're still standing," Liam whispered.

"And we'll make sure that others refer to you correctly when you're ready," Jaal added.

"You two are amazing. Thank you," she said with a subdued smile. After a moment longer, she pulled back. "I'll work my way through the crew eventually. I had about a level six freakout earlier, and I'm suddenly exhausted."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Jaal asked.

"Why do you think I called the two of you up here first? I...need you to stay. Both of you. Please?" Kiari requested.

"No problem, Ki. I can stay with you tonight," Liam answered. He hesitantly started stripping down to his boxers.

"It may be a tight fit for three people," Jaal remarked, but still followed suit.

"Oh don't worry. You two are staying close to me all night," she muttered as she fell back into bed.

"I wouldn't be so sure. Your normal sleeping position is starfish," Liam teased.

"Fight me, Kosta," Kiari growled. She flipped over onto her stomach. Eventually, she felt the bed dip on both sides as the pair climbed in with her. "I'm sorry you guys have to do this so often."

"No worries. Can't have our Pathfinder running around half-awake, can we?" Liam assured. He ran his fingers through her hair. She responded with a low moan of content as she enjoyed the warm, soft arms bringing her in from both directions. It was easy to float into unconsciousness between the two sources of heat and comfort.


End file.
